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 preview of StarFist:Snow Storm
 
Skink
1077 posts
3rd
Joined
12/17/2007

preview of StarFist:Snow Storm
Posted: 21 Jan 08 4:45 PM Modified By Skink  on 1/24/2008 12:50:54 PM)

This is a preview of my fan fic I hope you all enjoy it. 

 

StarFist: Snow Storm

 

By Sean “Skink” Booth

 

Dedicated to StarFist HQ, David Sherman and Dan Cragg

 

 

 

Prologue

           

The Emperor was furious at the causality rate the Grand Master had given him. “This is not acceptable!”  His voice was scratchy and old.  “Why did the Earthman Marines defeat us again?”  The Grand Master was in the Emperor’s grand home.  His home was a very large tunnel with running water.  Only the True People’s elite could afford such luxurious homes.  The Grand Master had just returned from the earthman world that was named:  "Haulover" and was summoned to the emperor’s grand home once he got off of the ship  “Emperor, the Earthman Marines are very resourceful.  They called for re -enforcements.  The Earthman Marines will be defeated the next time I assure you of that!”  The Emperor only growled.  “ Ryu, are you aware, that every time we go against the Earthman marines; we are always defeated.  The Earthman must be destroyed or else I fear, the prophecy might come true!”

The prophesy told of  an alien species would descent on the True People and destroy the true people.  “Emperor, I know you are very worried, but, one of my ships has located another Earthman world.  And I-” The Emperor yelled: “I do not care what you think!  I want them cleansed with the holy fire that we posses with our weapons!  I want you to find a new “Grand Master” and bring him here this instant!”  The Grand Master finally looked up “Yes Emperor” The grand master left the home of the Emperor and walked to a pit where the fighters were bred.  He met with the guard of the pit, and asked “I am looking for the one with the genetic defect” The guard looking up from eating a bowl of soup said “Right this way Grand Master” He took him to a cage with only one fighter inside, sitting down and his head bowed.  The Grand Master asked the fighter “Are you the fighter with the gentic defect?”  The Fighter looked up and grunted.  The guard of the pit went inside of the cage and with a bat hit the fighter on the head “Speak!”  The fighter bleeding a little from the side of the head, said “Yes I am the one you are looking for” The grand master smiled and said, “You are now a Grand Master.  The Emperor wishes to see you.”  The Fighter stunned a little, smiled at the guard and walked out of the cage with the grand master.  They walked to the Emperor’s home.  An hour after arriving the new Grand Master told the emperor that his ship found another Earthman world.  The Emperor gave the new Grand Master 500,000 skinks 15 battle cruisers, 10 carriers and 12 amphibious battle cruisers.  “I hope you can destroy the Earthman Marine world,” said the Emperor.  “What was the name of the Earthman World base again?” the emperor asked.  The new grand master said, “The Earthman marines call it: "Thorsfinnies world”.

 

           

 

 

 

DavidS
988 posts
www.novelier.com
4th
Joined
1/23/2006

Re: preview of StarFist:Snow Storm
Posted: 23 Jan 08 2:23 PM Modified By DavidS  on 1/23/2008 2:25:08 PM)
You asked for it, but I'll take it easy on you and just deal with the big stuff.

None of the Marines, and therefore the story, have seen Home, so it hasn't appeared in any of the books. How do you know what the Emperor is like? For all any of us know, he might be similar to the Emperor in Kevin Anderson's Saga of the Seven Suns, or he could be a child, guided by a regent. We don't know that the Skinks live in tunnels on Home. We don't know anything about their breeding methods, so where'd the pit come from? How would the Emperor know about an individual Fighter--even if that Fighter managed to get promoted to Leader? Why would that Fighter (or Leader if he got promoted) be involved with the breeding program? I've addressed the question of a Fighter becoming a Great Master elsewhere.

I could go on, but then I'd be getting into minor details.

Skink, this is a problem you run into when you attempt to write fanfic on a site frequented by the authors. The authors can call you on it when you engage in wishful thinking that is not backed up by the stories they wrote, and violates the logic of the originals.
z665almostevil
1045 posts
3rd
Joined
4/10/2007

Skinks story: Comments
Posted: 23 Jan 08 2:54 PM Modified By z665almostevil  on 1/23/2008 2:54:59 PM)
My only complaint is the Skinks name, since they take up Japanese traditions i'd imagine it having a more japanese name. I'm not as tough as David in my grading but then again i dont write it so
eric_bean34
2337 posts
www.myspace.com/mcbaencreations
1st
Joined
7/22/2006

Re: Skinks story: Comments
Posted: 23 Jan 08 6:12 PM
Skinkie, take David's advice and comments as CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. As an accomplished writer he is a fountain of knowledge, so gleen from his experience and his words. He was hard on me as well when I started writing the screenplay. So I did my homework and researched. Read and re-read First To Fight like 20 times. When I slept, the whole novel came to life in my dreams. Do your homework...outline the story,  create well rounded characters (define them by their actions, not just by titles), ask yourself the hard questions (be critical), and above all else, keep an open mind to criticism...even bad criticism will help you.
DavidS
988 posts
www.novelier.com
4th
Joined
1/23/2006

Re: Skinks story: Comments
Posted: 24 Jan 08 10:03 PM
What Eric said.

Skink, I'm sometimes a harsh critic, but my aim is always to make the writer take a more critical look at what he's doing so that he can do it better.
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